311

 

I've known it for a while but I've been avoiding it. 311, the highest weight I've ever been. At the beginning of the pandemic I got to 311 also and then kickstarted my way back down again. For at least six months I refused to even weight myself because I knew that I gained weight. I just wanted to live in denial. But eventually I noticed that I was the most uncomfortable and tight in my clothes that I have ever been, so I weighed myself. Then I silently have dealt with it in shame, but I still didn't lose weight for months.

With all the weight that I have gained over the years, I only went up literally 2 pant sizes. In my teen years and early twenties I was a size 12. At size 12 I was fit and in my best shape but I was a 12 because of my wide hips, but I would have to wear a belt or take in my waist because I had a smaller waist. Sometimes I had to take in my legs too but a 12 would fit my hips.  In my late twenties I was a size 14 and I wouldn't mind being at that size again- 14s also were loose in my aist. In my thirties I was a size 16 and my waist started filling in as I finally gained weight in my stomach and waist. In my fourties I have been a size 18. And most recently I had to go up to a 20 but I lost six pounds now and the 20s are starting to fall off my body, literally. Thank goodness for that but in no time at all I will be back to a straight 18 with my jeans and I am already back at an 18 with my work pants. My final goal will be just to get back to a 14 eventually. I'd love to say a size 12 but that would just be icing on the cake. 

I have felt such a deep sense of shame about it that it also made me just go into complete denial and not even try to lose weight. It's hard for anyone to imagine that, I suppose, but it's true. And it is what it is. I haven't gone to the doctor in a year and a half because I don't want to be weighed. I keep saying to myself that I will go the doctor when I am in the 280s. But I finally just accepted that it is what it is and that I can't lose it if I don't come to terms with it. Now that I have said it, I feel like something has to be done. It's embarrassing to be transparent about it but I feel like I can't get better if I don't accept it and admit it.

I created this blog because I originally wanted to get to a certain weight and take myself to Hawaii with my girlfriends. It was 120 pounds that I wanted to lose. I know I have more to lose but I'm still taking myself to Hawaii when I hit the 120 pounds mark. It feels so depressing and like it's going to take forever to get there. I am so scared that I am going to have ugly hanging skin. But I also know that if I don't do something now that it is just going to get worse and worse, because that's the trend that has been happening.

I was at 311 pounds. As of today I am at 306, and probably less because I weighed myself later in the day. The next thing you know I will be under 300. I can do this! In the back of my head I don't even believe it but maybe if I blog about it enough and tell myself that enough, then it'll happen. IT WILL HAPPEN! 

On Losing and Finding Yoga Again

 I lost my physical yoga habit when the pandemic hit. I say "physical yoga habit" because there are many components of yoga and the physical poses, or asanas, are just one component. I kept up with the pranayama aspect of it, which is breathing, for quite a while until we went back into the office a year ago and then that also fell to the wayside. I do breathing exercises here or there but it's not as consistent as it should be. One positive thing though is that the breath work greatly helped me heal my anxiety, even throughout the pandemic.

When the state shut down hit, my yoga studio closed. I did a handful of weeks of online yoga sessions with my teacher but I became so overwhelmed with the pandemic and working in the school system during the pandemic. We all had to learn zoom, google meets etc and I taught my yoga teacher how to use them. She provided 30 min classes and I engaged in them here or there but I eventually stopped when my work got too intensive and stressful.

The day of the state shut down I called my doctor and asked for some temporary anti anxiety meds that I had previously used when I had panic attacks a few years back. I remember standing in line the day of the shut down, waiting for my meds, and I had a major panic attack. I got seriously upset that people were standing too close to me and I felt scared because my doctor's office closed. I think I took meds on that day but after that I started to have some mini panic attacks when I would read all the bad news. I started doing breathing activities and noticed that I was able to stop the impending panic attack from occurring with my breath and some light stretching, so I mainly started to focus on that. I don't think I took meds again, except maybe once. Little by little I controlled my anxiety. 

Sometimes my yoga teacher couldn't accommodate my work schedule so I did a few "Yoga with Adriene" classes on youtube. I just couldn't be consistent with it though. I needed the accountability of a teacher at the time because it became easy for me to pause or get easily distracted at home. I shouldn't make excuses because ultimately the highest ideal is to do yoga on your own, without a studio, without a class, without a teacher, when you don't have anything else available. But I just fell off the wagon and picked up a daily walking habit, which helped me at the time because I walked at the park and was able to see other people here and there since I felt so isolated working from home. I prioritized walking. It was good for me at the time for my anxiety.

When the state opened up in the late summer, my yoga teacher started teaching yoga in the park in summer or maybe September 2020 and I went to the classes. I loved it, lying on the ground sometimes and looking up into the sky. It was sort of hard on me getting back into shape after months of no practice but after a month or so my strength and stamina improved. But sometimes it would be too windy and we couldn't do classes. Or sometimes I had an allergy attack with the grass. And then it started getting too dark too soon and then the big wind season hit and we stopped doing yoga in the park. I don't know when it stopped but it was maybe October of 2020. My few months of yoga bliss ended and I fell off the wagon again.

I walked the entire pandemic but last May when I had to go back to work, I stopped walking also. It became so overwhelming dealing with the fear and stress of returning to work, dealing with an office environment that had been taken over by rats during the shut down, working with employees in trauma, managing covid outbreaks. My walking regime just ended. Every few months I go on a walk here and there but it's not consistent. I have no one to blame but myself and stress.

Meanwhile I gained more weight ever since I went back to work. Then in October 2021 I spent time at a school site and started walking a lot at work. I started feeling psychologically better, walking around outside again but suddenly being thrown into a walking routine so quickly triggered my previous car accident injury and I suffered through the pain. I kept telling myself that I should start yoga again. I've been in pain ever since.

There were nights in bed that my body ached so bad that I dreamt about the ache. I would wake up, or before I went to bed, and would do some light yoga poses. When I left the school I started feeling better but I still had and have pain. I picked up a class on youtube with Yoga With Adriene again but then I suffered through the frustration of trying to do yoga when I had gained even more weight. I would get frustrated and demoralized, stop the class, promise to walk and then obviously rarely walk. I tried to do yoga again and my fat stomach prohibited certain moves and my tight hips caused severe pain that I couldn't even sit on the floor for very long. I was and am just a hot mess.

A few times I called my yoga instructor and asked for private or online lessons but she's only doing a class a week that she just started in person. I don't feel safe to go to a class in person because there's a lot of deep breath involved. She claims that the class only has three or so people but I was 1) scared and 2) had a coaching certification class at the same time. I depended on that teacher as my only yoga teacher and perhaps that was the problem, and I still haven't done yoga.

Yesterday I decided that enough is enough with my pain and weight, especially now that I will be going back to a school site starting on Tuesday and will be walking around more. It's not just that though-I really just want to be healthy. I'm going on a girls trip to Alaska in September and I don't want to have anxiety flying while fat. I went on a vacation in March and was worn out walking around, even though we did minimal walking. I just want to have more energy and feel better. I want to end the pain that I feel. I want to be able to stand up without wobbling like an old lady when I first walk because I have so much pain. I just want to be able to get up off the couch easily and pain free! 

Yesterday I did yoga for the first time in a long time, although it was only a ten minute session. It followed an emotional breakdown and I had an emotional breakdown while doing it. But I did it. The story of that breakdown and yoga experience will be another post but I am feeling dedicated that I am going to get back on track, no matter how emotionally or physically difficult it is going to be at first. I have a plan that I will write about soon. I just want to feel better in my body. I just want my pain to end.

This Week's Goals

I am starting small as I am starting again.

1. Walk every day for 15 minutes.

2. Drink more water.

3. Eat a good breakfast at home before I got to work. 

4. Sit and enjoy my breakfast. 

5. Check in with my accountability partner each evening.

Trying Again

 Once again I am trying again. I am trying not to have any self judgment about this off and on again dynamic I have been going through but it is what it is and there isn't any other alternative than to keep trying again.

I am at my highest weight ever. I have no energy. Today I spent less than ten minutes out in the yard pulling weeds and I almost wanted to pass out from no energy. Sometimes I also wonder if I am anemic but I am too stubborn to go to the doctor because I don't want to be weighed. I am aware that is probably not the best decision.

My friend asked me to try something today and just give it a chance. She told me to walk every day for 15 min and then after two weeks I will add more. I want to jump in and do more but she claims that I always want to do too much and burn myself out so she suggested I just start with 15 min to get my body ready to start working out again.

I was feeling so exhausted after pulling weeds but I mustered all my energy and walked for 15 min on the treadmill. At first I felt like I wanted to pass out, literally. That's how bad shape I am in. I started with 1.8 mpr for a few minutes and then I moved up to 2.0 for 5 min and 2.3 for 5 min and 2.5 for 5 minutes. After about 5 minutes I started having just a little bit more energy and feeling better. I did my 15 minutes and finished.

Today is day one...I will try again tomorrow. Hopefully day by day I will feel stronger. I know I will.

Stamina

I recently applied for a new job, school principal, and am waiting on the results of my interviews. One of my friends recently invited me to some facebook groups for principals and one comment on a post in particular recently caught my attention. One of the principals said, "In order to be a successful principal, you need to have the trait of stamina".

I have a lot of stamina inside of me. I can tolerate a lot of stress, dysfunctional, long work hours and have a lot of emotional stamina. But I am pretty out of shape and haven't been exercising, especially ever since we came back to work after the shut down. I am out of shape. I need to lose weight. I need to improve my cardio. I even get physically exhausted from cleaning the house, running errands or even going out and doing things on vacation.  It's time for me to increase my physical stamina. 

In October I was co-admin at a school site for about 11 weeks. I had previously had an injury from a car accident that affected my leg and foot that took years to heal. I don't know if it is just a coincidence (because there have been a number of times that it flared up briefly) but once I started at the school site I suddenly had major pain in my foot and leg. I suspect it was from all the walking that I was suddenly doing but I am also not sure if it was a coincidence.

After a week or so of walking, my hips also started to ache badly. In fact, my lower body ached so bad that there were nights that it woke me up from the pain. It got better once I left the school site and wasn't walking so much but I am still in a lot of pain with my foot. I haven't been exercising-which I know is a problem-and I am at an all time high in my weight. I really need to get this problem under control. 

The other day I went to an event with a friend at a zoo and I only walked about 7000 steps, which really isn't a lot. But my feet and my legs ached so bad afterwards and I felt exhausted. I always feel exhausted. I huff and I puff and I run out of energy. My legs and my feet hurt. My lower back hurts. I haven't done yoga in over a year and a half. It's been almost a year since I stopped exercising consistently. 

If I get this job, I am going to need a lot of physical stamina. I remember there being days that I had to run after students. The job requires a lot of walking and being on your feet. I once had to pick up a little kindergarten student who threw herself on the ground in the street and wouldn't go to school and I had to carry her into the office to keep her safe. The job will definitely require physical stamina.

If I get this job, I am not sure when I would start but I imagine that I would be in place for June. June might not be too much of an issue because it is just summer school and not as many students will be there. But the new school year starts in August and I will need to be at the top of my game for any potential kindergarten runners (or other runners). It'll also help my stress levels to have more energy once the school starts.

I keep saying that I will start today but I am going to start today. I am going to start steady and slow with a light walk and light yoga today. I am a little frustrated with myself that I am thinking about exercising for a job and not for myself, but....whatever works, right? I know there are no shortcuts and that the only way to increase my physical stamina is to get consistent with moving, drink water, and sleep water. I better get busy. 

The Eat Right Now App

 A while back I took a mindfulness class online and there was a video from Dr. Judson Brewer, an addiction psychiatrist who uses mindfulness to help with our relationship with food. I really liked the video and got a lot out of it, so when I saw that Dr. Brewer has an app called "Eat Right Now", I figured I would give it a try! 

The Eat Right Now app costs $24.99 for a month. In the introduction Dr. Brewer stated that he recommends using the app for 6 months because for the first month he doesn't jump right into food but begins to train our mind with mindfulness. I figured I would give it a go for a month and then extend it if I like it.

I just finished the introduction and also day 1. I am only on day one but it seems as if it has activities for around 10 minutes a day. Today we focused on mindfulness and habit loops. We have a trigger, we feed out trigger with food and we feel good about it so we keep perpetuating the loop. We have positive memories about food that makes us feel good. And when we have negative things happen, we have memories about food making us feel better.

So far day one has a few videos about a topic and then today we did a mindfulness activity that many people might have done before when you begin to study mindfulness-you mindfully look at a raisin. I think on other days he will have other activities or mindfulness practices that will help with healthy and mindful eating. Hopefully it will eventually help me lose weight.

There is a section to write a daily journal. I just wrote something simple and short and I commented on a few other people's journals. There appears to be a pretty active community of people encouraging one another through their journals and responding to one another's journals. 

There is also a few tools that I haven't used yet, and I will give an update about the app once I use it a little more! I'm just looking forward to trying to get back on track and stay on track this time!! Here are some topics in the app for week one: 

Flying While Fat

I've had anxiety for years about flying while fat. I worry that my hips will spill over into someone else's seat. I worry that my arm will extend a little over the armrest and touch someone else. I worry that I will make someone else uncomfortable. I fear that they will take me out of my seat and make me buy two seats, embarrassing me in front of everyone.

Sometimes I hope to sit next to a super skinny person so they won't notice if I take up a little bit of extra space. Sometimes I hope to sit next to another fat person so that we will just squish up against one another and be fine with being uncomfortable. I always go to the second to the last row in the plane out of hopes that the plane will fill and leave me an empty seat between myself and another person. But mostly I have just avoided flying. And I always, ALWAYS, burn with shame about it all. 

A few of my colleagues know about this anxiety and try to sit in the same row with me. We run straight to the back of the plane when we are on open seating flights because we know we can guarantee a row together at the back. It's always a nerve-racking experience as I wait to see if I get to sit with one of them.  We strategically put someone with smaller hips between us. I always sit on the aisle to give myself some extra room when no one is walking down the aisle. But when people are walking down the aisle or I have to sit next to someone I don't know, I move myself into crazy contortions to give space to other people and I end up being in pain from muscle strain the day after the trip.

The last time that I flew was November 2019, a month before the news of covid hit. I started to buckle my seatbelt and suddenly I couldn't click the seatbelt together. I tried, and I tried, and I tried.... but I finally looked at my colleague and told her, "I can't click the seatbelt! I need a seatbelt extender!" I felt a panic attack coming on as I thought about asking the flight attendant for a seatbelt extender. My colleague finally calmed me down and I realized that I would have been able to click the seatbelt but my panic was preventing me from doing so. 

Last November I won a scholarship to attend an advocacy institute in the central part of my state. The scholarship offered to buy my plane ticket but I chose instead to drive alone for six hours. At first I convinced myself that I was afraid to fly due to covid but I also think the fear of gaining even more weight during the pandemic and the former seatbelt fiasco made me also fear flying. 

A logical solution to all this fear and drama about flying while fat would be to simply lose weight. Drop the pounds and be able to see the world. I used to love to travel so much and then overworking myself as well as this flying while fat issue has really put a damper on my travel spirit. I just want to be able to have fun traveling again and not worry about being uncomfortable or feeling this sense of shame and dread about it all.

This week I finally decided to order plane tickets. I gave myself enough time to try to lose a little bit of weight and we ordered plane tickets for a girls trip to Alaska in September. I figure I should be able to lose 20-30 pounds by then. I'd like to lose more but I figure I will give myself a break and just try my best. I feel nervous about it, but hopeful that I will lose a little weight by then.

They always say that weight loss is best when it's all about the reasons behind it and not just about the numbers or looking good. In this case I want to lose weight so I can feel excited to get out and about in the world again. I want to feel less shame and disappointment. I don't want to have pain. I want to fly and see my brother one day. I want to fly and go on more trips with my girlfriends. I want to fly to places on my own if no one else wants to go somewhere with me. And I want to feel good while I'm doing it. 

I WILL lose at least 20 pounds by September!!!!