Just Do It

 Today was a rough day at the gym for me. But I think the important thing about all of it was that I was at least at the gym!

Last Friday I went out for drinks with a colleague and I don't think I really drank that much. I woke up at 6 am the next morning on Saturday and was really sick all day. At first I figured that I have been eating pretty healthy so maybe it just hit me really hard. Later I wondered if I had actually been hit with a stomach bug that I also know has been going around my work. I was in bed all day Saturday and I couldn't eat all day.

On Sunday my body hurt so bad and my back seized up. I did some light stretches and it eventually felt good enough to walk outside lightly for a bit. My body does feel better today but my energy still feels low. I'm proud of myself though that I walked yesterday and still made it to the gym today.

At the gym I just felt really tired and I only lasted for about 40 min. I walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes and then I went on the horrid stairmaster. I lasted on that stairmaster for 1 min and 33 seconds, which is just a little but it's still more time that the 50 seconds I lasted the first time and the 1 min 16 seconds that I was able to stay on the last time. 

Afer the stairmaster I went onto the rower for 15 min. I am not sure why but today was just so psychologically hard on me on the rower. I felt like my stomach was bloated and just felt so big and fat. The fat in my stomach made it hard to breathe and pull the rower back. I wanted to quit and I wanted to cry but luckily I did neither. I made it but I was also a bit slower than the last time I was on the rower. It gave me a good sweat though.

I went back to the treadmill and put the incline up to 10%. I only lasted for a few min and then about five minutes later I just decided to stop. I wanted to push myself more but something just told me to stop so I did. 

The great news is that even tbough I wanted to exercise for an hour and did not accomplish my goal, I still made it 40 minutes and I worked up a sweat. It's better than nothing! 

Tomorrow I'm going for a short hike by the beach with a friend. I am planning on taking a yoga class on Wednesday and going for a quick incline walk on Thursday. 

I will just keep on keeping on. 

Still Going

I haven't updated in a while but the good news is that the last time that I updated was November in my 5th week of exercise and the great news is that I am still exercising. I had to cut back the last two weeks a bit due to leg, knee and foot pain but I have been pretty consistent with minimally three-four times of exercise a week. 

As of today I was 302 which is a decrease from the last time I posted in November but it seems that I have been at a standstill since January. To be transparent I haven't been eating as well as I should and sometimes I am messing up so I know that I need to get back on track in that area. It's just so hard but I know that it will be the only thing that is going to shift me! 

Since October I have been taking pictures of myself and I have not noticed any difference! In fact, in some areas my body seems worse, but I am not sure if that is just in my head. I have a big cushion of fat on my inner thigh and sometimes in my pictures it looks like that portion of my inner thing is starting to drop down towards my knee. It is really frustrating me, especially since I am trying so hard with exercise! Sometimes I fear that I am going to have hanging skin in that area and it makes me sad.  I know that I probably need to do more squats and lunges to tighten up the leg but I've been taking a break due to my knee and leg. 

A few weeks ago I bought two 5 pound dumbbells and I started an arm routine. I haven't started a leg routine yet other than random squats but once my knee is better I am going to fit at least two leg routines in my week. With my arm routine I wasn't even able to do one set of 15 but now I am up to 2 sets of 15 for about six arm workouts. I need to get more consistent in this area and have a structured routine. I am somewhat keeping up with the same routine but perhaps I need to write it down so that I make sure that I am hitting all exercises. My goal is to add two arms and two legs day, as well as one yoga class, in addition to cardio days at gym or outside the gym such as walking or hiking.

Honestly I came here today to talk about how I am frustrated that I am at a weight stand still but now I honestly feel proud that I am still being consistent. I just need to be more consistent in my diet if I want the weight to come off and be more consistent in my strength training routines that I am adding.

Staying on Track

Stress, a leg injury and autoimmune attack got the best of me the last 1-2 weeks and I had to slightly cut back on my exercise but I was able to hold my own today for 50 min of cardio on treadmill and elliptical, two sets of both lower and upper plank holding 30 seconds each, two sets of downward facing dog, one chataranga, one cobra, one hundred Pilate hundreds with my legs in the air, 50 modified Pilates hundreds with my knees up, two sets of 6 different arm workouts with weights, and one set of half ass dead bugs because I couldn’t do anymore. But my stress, mood and body feel better!!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Here I am, over 2 years later back at the same place that I was before. In fact, I just opened up this blog and noticed that I am even at the same weight that I was in my last post; 311. The good news is that at some point I went all the way up to 318 and now I am down to 311. The good news also is that I am very, very uncomfortable with my body right now and it's actually making me act on something.

In August I saw my ex and he told me that he was worried about me because I did not look well. He doesn't ever exaggerate so I took him seriously. He said that I looked swollen and just not well and that it had nothing to do with increased weight. He said that it reminded him of his mother when she started to get sick and he asked me to please take better care of myself. I took it seriously and although it took me a month or so to get started, I finally started. 

I started exercising slowly and now I am finishing up my fifth week. I actually think I am finishing up my seventh week but my documentation is wishy washy in the beginning. Besides, at the beginning I was barely exercising anyway so I won't even count those two weeks. I first started off with 9 minutes on the elliptical and then it progressed to walking twice a week. As of last week I am up to 35 min on the elliptical for one day, and two walks at 60 min each. This upcoming week I am going to increase an extra 30 min on a fourth day. I think on that day I am going to do incline training on the treadmill so I can improve my cardio and leg muscles when walking up hills. 

In one way I am frustrated that I am taking it so slow. In another way I am pleased with myself because I feel that if I start slowly and build up steadily then I won't get injured or overwhelmed. This weekend I went walking on a hill and I sort of wonder if I pushed it too fast because the last two days I have been really demoralized. It was hard on me with my cardio and I had a cramp in my leg muscles. It's just triggering me into feelings that I am seriously out of weight and it's so damn hard and exhausting. 

Today I went to yoga and at one point it was hard for me. It was even a light yoga class. I got so demoralized and started to just feel like giving up. But at the end when I laid there I thought what the hell does it even mean to give up because I am freaking here where I am right now because I keep giving up! I just can't give up this time! It's going to be very hard because I am battling it in my head right now. 

This week one thing that I did notice though is that I am starting to get hungry much more quickly than usual. About an hour or two after I eat, I feel very hungry. I think this is a good sign and I suspect that it means my metabolism is increasing. This week I am going to keep up my exercise and I am going to try really hard to eat better this week too!  

311

 

I've known it for a while but I've been avoiding it. 311, the highest weight I've ever been. At the beginning of the pandemic I got to 311 also and then kickstarted my way back down again. For at least six months I refused to even weight myself because I knew that I gained weight. I just wanted to live in denial. But eventually I noticed that I was the most uncomfortable and tight in my clothes that I have ever been, so I weighed myself. Then I silently have dealt with it in shame, but I still didn't lose weight for months.

With all the weight that I have gained over the years, I only went up literally 2 pant sizes. In my teen years and early twenties I was a size 12. At size 12 I was fit and in my best shape but I was a 12 because of my wide hips, but I would have to wear a belt or take in my waist because I had a smaller waist. Sometimes I had to take in my legs too but a 12 would fit my hips.  In my late twenties I was a size 14 and I wouldn't mind being at that size again- 14s also were loose in my aist. In my thirties I was a size 16 and my waist started filling in as I finally gained weight in my stomach and waist. In my fourties I have been a size 18. And most recently I had to go up to a 20 but I lost six pounds now and the 20s are starting to fall off my body, literally. Thank goodness for that but in no time at all I will be back to a straight 18 with my jeans and I am already back at an 18 with my work pants. My final goal will be just to get back to a 14 eventually. I'd love to say a size 12 but that would just be icing on the cake. 

I have felt such a deep sense of shame about it that it also made me just go into complete denial and not even try to lose weight. It's hard for anyone to imagine that, I suppose, but it's true. And it is what it is. I haven't gone to the doctor in a year and a half because I don't want to be weighed. I keep saying to myself that I will go the doctor when I am in the 280s. But I finally just accepted that it is what it is and that I can't lose it if I don't come to terms with it. Now that I have said it, I feel like something has to be done. It's embarrassing to be transparent about it but I feel like I can't get better if I don't accept it and admit it.

I created this blog because I originally wanted to get to a certain weight and take myself to Hawaii with my girlfriends. It was 120 pounds that I wanted to lose. I know I have more to lose but I'm still taking myself to Hawaii when I hit the 120 pounds mark. It feels so depressing and like it's going to take forever to get there. I am so scared that I am going to have ugly hanging skin. But I also know that if I don't do something now that it is just going to get worse and worse, because that's the trend that has been happening.

I was at 311 pounds. As of today I am at 306, and probably less because I weighed myself later in the day. The next thing you know I will be under 300. I can do this! In the back of my head I don't even believe it but maybe if I blog about it enough and tell myself that enough, then it'll happen. IT WILL HAPPEN! 

On Losing and Finding Yoga Again

 I lost my physical yoga habit when the pandemic hit. I say "physical yoga habit" because there are many components of yoga and the physical poses, or asanas, are just one component. I kept up with the pranayama aspect of it, which is breathing, for quite a while until we went back into the office a year ago and then that also fell to the wayside. I do breathing exercises here or there but it's not as consistent as it should be. One positive thing though is that the breath work greatly helped me heal my anxiety, even throughout the pandemic.

When the state shut down hit, my yoga studio closed. I did a handful of weeks of online yoga sessions with my teacher but I became so overwhelmed with the pandemic and working in the school system during the pandemic. We all had to learn zoom, google meets etc and I taught my yoga teacher how to use them. She provided 30 min classes and I engaged in them here or there but I eventually stopped when my work got too intensive and stressful.

The day of the state shut down I called my doctor and asked for some temporary anti anxiety meds that I had previously used when I had panic attacks a few years back. I remember standing in line the day of the shut down, waiting for my meds, and I had a major panic attack. I got seriously upset that people were standing too close to me and I felt scared because my doctor's office closed. I think I took meds on that day but after that I started to have some mini panic attacks when I would read all the bad news. I started doing breathing activities and noticed that I was able to stop the impending panic attack from occurring with my breath and some light stretching, so I mainly started to focus on that. I don't think I took meds again, except maybe once. Little by little I controlled my anxiety. 

Sometimes my yoga teacher couldn't accommodate my work schedule so I did a few "Yoga with Adriene" classes on youtube. I just couldn't be consistent with it though. I needed the accountability of a teacher at the time because it became easy for me to pause or get easily distracted at home. I shouldn't make excuses because ultimately the highest ideal is to do yoga on your own, without a studio, without a class, without a teacher, when you don't have anything else available. But I just fell off the wagon and picked up a daily walking habit, which helped me at the time because I walked at the park and was able to see other people here and there since I felt so isolated working from home. I prioritized walking. It was good for me at the time for my anxiety.

When the state opened up in the late summer, my yoga teacher started teaching yoga in the park in summer or maybe September 2020 and I went to the classes. I loved it, lying on the ground sometimes and looking up into the sky. It was sort of hard on me getting back into shape after months of no practice but after a month or so my strength and stamina improved. But sometimes it would be too windy and we couldn't do classes. Or sometimes I had an allergy attack with the grass. And then it started getting too dark too soon and then the big wind season hit and we stopped doing yoga in the park. I don't know when it stopped but it was maybe October of 2020. My few months of yoga bliss ended and I fell off the wagon again.

I walked the entire pandemic but last May when I had to go back to work, I stopped walking also. It became so overwhelming dealing with the fear and stress of returning to work, dealing with an office environment that had been taken over by rats during the shut down, working with employees in trauma, managing covid outbreaks. My walking regime just ended. Every few months I go on a walk here and there but it's not consistent. I have no one to blame but myself and stress.

Meanwhile I gained more weight ever since I went back to work. Then in October 2021 I spent time at a school site and started walking a lot at work. I started feeling psychologically better, walking around outside again but suddenly being thrown into a walking routine so quickly triggered my previous car accident injury and I suffered through the pain. I kept telling myself that I should start yoga again. I've been in pain ever since.

There were nights in bed that my body ached so bad that I dreamt about the ache. I would wake up, or before I went to bed, and would do some light yoga poses. When I left the school I started feeling better but I still had and have pain. I picked up a class on youtube with Yoga With Adriene again but then I suffered through the frustration of trying to do yoga when I had gained even more weight. I would get frustrated and demoralized, stop the class, promise to walk and then obviously rarely walk. I tried to do yoga again and my fat stomach prohibited certain moves and my tight hips caused severe pain that I couldn't even sit on the floor for very long. I was and am just a hot mess.

A few times I called my yoga instructor and asked for private or online lessons but she's only doing a class a week that she just started in person. I don't feel safe to go to a class in person because there's a lot of deep breath involved. She claims that the class only has three or so people but I was 1) scared and 2) had a coaching certification class at the same time. I depended on that teacher as my only yoga teacher and perhaps that was the problem, and I still haven't done yoga.

Yesterday I decided that enough is enough with my pain and weight, especially now that I will be going back to a school site starting on Tuesday and will be walking around more. It's not just that though-I really just want to be healthy. I'm going on a girls trip to Alaska in September and I don't want to have anxiety flying while fat. I went on a vacation in March and was worn out walking around, even though we did minimal walking. I just want to have more energy and feel better. I want to end the pain that I feel. I want to be able to stand up without wobbling like an old lady when I first walk because I have so much pain. I just want to be able to get up off the couch easily and pain free! 

Yesterday I did yoga for the first time in a long time, although it was only a ten minute session. It followed an emotional breakdown and I had an emotional breakdown while doing it. But I did it. The story of that breakdown and yoga experience will be another post but I am feeling dedicated that I am going to get back on track, no matter how emotionally or physically difficult it is going to be at first. I have a plan that I will write about soon. I just want to feel better in my body. I just want my pain to end.

This Week's Goals

I am starting small as I am starting again.

1. Walk every day for 15 minutes.

2. Drink more water.

3. Eat a good breakfast at home before I got to work. 

4. Sit and enjoy my breakfast. 

5. Check in with my accountability partner each evening.