I recently took a master class on showing up for myself in a certain area of my life. The coach asked us to pick a category of our life and write a letter of apology to it, and also write about how I will show up for it in the future. I chose my health. I'm just going to write it from the bottom of my heart with no pre-planning or edits. I just want it to be authentic for what pops up in my head without too much overthinking.
Dear Body,
I've been trying to write you a letter all week but I just couldn't muster up the nerve. It's been something that I have been avoiding but after Rick's class, I realized that not writing this letter is just another way that I am not showing up for you in my life. But here I am now.
In a way I don't even know what to say because you've heard it all before-today will be the last day, I'll get back on track tomorrow, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I'll get it right this time... I've said it all before but it just occurred to me that I have never apologized to you. How can I ever right the wrong that I have caused you if I can't even admit how much I have harmed you? I'm here to have a restorative conversation, as we say in the education community, to write and right a wrong that has been caused to a victim.. and this time that victim is you.
I'm sorry that I have treated you so badly and abused you for so many years. All of the unhealthy food that I have put into you and all those extra calories I frequently consume. All of the lack of sleep that I have put you through. All of the stress and anxiety that I have subjected you to and all of the self care that I didn't do when you needed it from me the most in times of stress. All of the feelings I suppressed over the years. All of the abusive ways that I tried to numb the pain in you. All the overwork and lack of vacations or all of the time off that I didn't take when you needed it the most. All those times when I put someone else before you. All of the times that you felt like you were choking because I stifled your voice. All the times I didn't give you enough movement and exercise. All the times I deprived you of feeling joy and finding opportunities for you to laugh. All the places that I didn't go and pictures of myself that I didn't take because I was ashamed of how much weight I have put on you.
Sometimes I fear that you are going to one day give out on me because I have put you through such a beating. I fear that your arteries are clogged and your heart has been weakened. I fear that your cells will mutate and you'll start to grow cancer because I forced so many toxins into you over the years. I fear that when I finally do lose weight that you will have ugly hanging skin because I took too damn long to do anything about the excess weight. I fear that you will have a stroke like your grandmother and aunt because of something I have done or didn't do to you.
You tried to talk to me for years and I am sorry that I didn't listen to you. When I used to take time off, I didn't understand why I would sit on the beach to unwind and you would make tears roll down my face all day. I didn't understand that you were trying to give me a sign and releasing some of the stress and tension that was pent up in me and that you just didn't know how to unwind because I had wound you up too tight. You tried to tell me that you were overworked when I would crash and burn for days when I finally was able to have winter vacation. You tried to send me red alerts in my body when you knew someone or something wasn't good for me. Lately you have been sending me dream messages about doing certain yoga poses to alleviate some of the pain that I feel in my body and although you have started to get my attention, I haven't done yet what I need to do to make you feel better.
I'm so sorry for the harm that I have caused you.
But I'm going to try to make it right this time and if I fall again then I will get up and keep trying. I am going to have more compassion and for you and shower you with self love. I am going to nurture you more. I am going to spend more time in the sun. I am going to move you more. I am going to put more healthy food into you. I am going to spend time with people who make you happy and bring joy into your life. I am going to travel more and get out and about more so that you can feel passion running through your veins. I am going to start yoga again so that I can soothe the pain that you feel. I am going to start meditating again. I am going to set stronger boundaries about work and give you more down time. I am going to be kind and loving to you.
I've told you before all the ways that I am going to be better over the years so sometimes I feel like I am a broken record and when I don't follow through I then put you through so much shame. I am going to work harder at forgiving myself when I do let you down so that you don't have to feel that shame and be re-victimized all over by me. I'm going to show up more at being consistent. I am going to get a health coach. I am going to treat myself as if I am an addict and take a "one day at a time" perspective.
Even though I have abused you and neglected you for the past 15-20 years, you have rarely let me down. You are strong and resilient. You are the shape of a beautiful goddess under all that extra fat. As the massage therapists always tell me, your muscles have strong muscle memory even though you have lost your exercise habit. I know that you are very flexible but are just a bit rusty due to underuse. You have a strong sense of intuition and send me signs that are rarely wrong. You have managed to learn how to navigate panic attacks and rarely have them anymore. Your nervous system is more regulated than it was a few years ago. You never cease to amaze me that you have not given me more problems although I have drug you through the mud all these years.
Now it is finally time for me to be there for you as much as you have been there for me all of these years. I am going to get it right this time. You and I have a long way to go because I am about to turn 46 and I want to treat you better in the second half of my life. I am going to make you proud. I am going to bring you peace. I am going to love you more.
Love,
Me
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