311

 

I've known it for a while but I've been avoiding it. 311, the highest weight I've ever been. At the beginning of the pandemic I got to 311 also and then kickstarted my way back down again. For at least six months I refused to even weight myself because I knew that I gained weight. I just wanted to live in denial. But eventually I noticed that I was the most uncomfortable and tight in my clothes that I have ever been, so I weighed myself. Then I silently have dealt with it in shame, but I still didn't lose weight for months.

With all the weight that I have gained over the years, I only went up literally 2 pant sizes. In my teen years and early twenties I was a size 12. At size 12 I was fit and in my best shape but I was a 12 because of my wide hips, but I would have to wear a belt or take in my waist because I had a smaller waist. Sometimes I had to take in my legs too but a 12 would fit my hips.  In my late twenties I was a size 14 and I wouldn't mind being at that size again- 14s also were loose in my aist. In my thirties I was a size 16 and my waist started filling in as I finally gained weight in my stomach and waist. In my fourties I have been a size 18. And most recently I had to go up to a 20 but I lost six pounds now and the 20s are starting to fall off my body, literally. Thank goodness for that but in no time at all I will be back to a straight 18 with my jeans and I am already back at an 18 with my work pants. My final goal will be just to get back to a 14 eventually. I'd love to say a size 12 but that would just be icing on the cake. 

I have felt such a deep sense of shame about it that it also made me just go into complete denial and not even try to lose weight. It's hard for anyone to imagine that, I suppose, but it's true. And it is what it is. I haven't gone to the doctor in a year and a half because I don't want to be weighed. I keep saying to myself that I will go the doctor when I am in the 280s. But I finally just accepted that it is what it is and that I can't lose it if I don't come to terms with it. Now that I have said it, I feel like something has to be done. It's embarrassing to be transparent about it but I feel like I can't get better if I don't accept it and admit it.

I created this blog because I originally wanted to get to a certain weight and take myself to Hawaii with my girlfriends. It was 120 pounds that I wanted to lose. I know I have more to lose but I'm still taking myself to Hawaii when I hit the 120 pounds mark. It feels so depressing and like it's going to take forever to get there. I am so scared that I am going to have ugly hanging skin. But I also know that if I don't do something now that it is just going to get worse and worse, because that's the trend that has been happening.

I was at 311 pounds. As of today I am at 306, and probably less because I weighed myself later in the day. The next thing you know I will be under 300. I can do this! In the back of my head I don't even believe it but maybe if I blog about it enough and tell myself that enough, then it'll happen. IT WILL HAPPEN!