I lost my physical yoga habit when the pandemic hit. I say "physical yoga habit" because there are many components of yoga and the physical poses, or asanas, are just one component. I kept up with the pranayama aspect of it, which is breathing, for quite a while until we went back into the office a year ago and then that also fell to the wayside. I do breathing exercises here or there but it's not as consistent as it should be. One positive thing though is that the breath work greatly helped me heal my anxiety, even throughout the pandemic.
When the state shut down hit, my yoga studio closed. I did a handful of weeks of online yoga sessions with my teacher but I became so overwhelmed with the pandemic and working in the school system during the pandemic. We all had to learn zoom, google meets etc and I taught my yoga teacher how to use them. She provided 30 min classes and I engaged in them here or there but I eventually stopped when my work got too intensive and stressful.
The day of the state shut down I called my doctor and asked for some temporary anti anxiety meds that I had previously used when I had panic attacks a few years back. I remember standing in line the day of the shut down, waiting for my meds, and I had a major panic attack. I got seriously upset that people were standing too close to me and I felt scared because my doctor's office closed. I think I took meds on that day but after that I started to have some mini panic attacks when I would read all the bad news. I started doing breathing activities and noticed that I was able to stop the impending panic attack from occurring with my breath and some light stretching, so I mainly started to focus on that. I don't think I took meds again, except maybe once. Little by little I controlled my anxiety.
Sometimes my yoga teacher couldn't accommodate my work schedule so I did a few "Yoga with Adriene" classes on youtube. I just couldn't be consistent with it though. I needed the accountability of a teacher at the time because it became easy for me to pause or get easily distracted at home. I shouldn't make excuses because ultimately the highest ideal is to do yoga on your own, without a studio, without a class, without a teacher, when you don't have anything else available. But I just fell off the wagon and picked up a daily walking habit, which helped me at the time because I walked at the park and was able to see other people here and there since I felt so isolated working from home. I prioritized walking. It was good for me at the time for my anxiety.
When the state opened up in the late summer, my yoga teacher started teaching yoga in the park in summer or maybe September 2020 and I went to the classes. I loved it, lying on the ground sometimes and looking up into the sky. It was sort of hard on me getting back into shape after months of no practice but after a month or so my strength and stamina improved. But sometimes it would be too windy and we couldn't do classes. Or sometimes I had an allergy attack with the grass. And then it started getting too dark too soon and then the big wind season hit and we stopped doing yoga in the park. I don't know when it stopped but it was maybe October of 2020. My few months of yoga bliss ended and I fell off the wagon again.
I walked the entire pandemic but last May when I had to go back to work, I stopped walking also. It became so overwhelming dealing with the fear and stress of returning to work, dealing with an office environment that had been taken over by rats during the shut down, working with employees in trauma, managing covid outbreaks. My walking regime just ended. Every few months I go on a walk here and there but it's not consistent. I have no one to blame but myself and stress.
Meanwhile I gained more weight ever since I went back to work. Then in October 2021 I spent time at a school site and started walking a lot at work. I started feeling psychologically better, walking around outside again but suddenly being thrown into a walking routine so quickly triggered my previous car accident injury and I suffered through the pain. I kept telling myself that I should start yoga again. I've been in pain ever since.
There were nights in bed that my body ached so bad that I dreamt about the ache. I would wake up, or before I went to bed, and would do some light yoga poses. When I left the school I started feeling better but I still had and have pain. I picked up a class on youtube with Yoga With Adriene again but then I suffered through the frustration of trying to do yoga when I had gained even more weight. I would get frustrated and demoralized, stop the class, promise to walk and then obviously rarely walk. I tried to do yoga again and my fat stomach prohibited certain moves and my tight hips caused severe pain that I couldn't even sit on the floor for very long. I was and am just a hot mess.
A few times I called my yoga instructor and asked for private or online lessons but she's only doing a class a week that she just started in person. I don't feel safe to go to a class in person because there's a lot of deep breath involved. She claims that the class only has three or so people but I was 1) scared and 2) had a coaching certification class at the same time. I depended on that teacher as my only yoga teacher and perhaps that was the problem, and I still haven't done yoga.
Yesterday I decided that enough is enough with my pain and weight, especially now that I will be going back to a school site starting on Tuesday and will be walking around more. It's not just that though-I really just want to be healthy. I'm going on a girls trip to Alaska in September and I don't want to have anxiety flying while fat. I went on a vacation in March and was worn out walking around, even though we did minimal walking. I just want to have more energy and feel better. I want to end the pain that I feel. I want to be able to stand up without wobbling like an old lady when I first walk because I have so much pain. I just want to be able to get up off the couch easily and pain free!
Yesterday I did yoga for the first time in a long time, although it was only a ten minute session. It followed an emotional breakdown and I had an emotional breakdown while doing it. But I did it. The story of that breakdown and yoga experience will be another post but I am feeling dedicated that I am going to get back on track, no matter how emotionally or physically difficult it is going to be at first. I have a plan that I will write about soon. I just want to feel better in my body. I just want my pain to end.
