Just Do It

 Today was a rough day at the gym for me. But I think the important thing about all of it was that I was at least at the gym!

Last Friday I went out for drinks with a colleague and I don't think I really drank that much. I woke up at 6 am the next morning on Saturday and was really sick all day. At first I figured that I have been eating pretty healthy so maybe it just hit me really hard. Later I wondered if I had actually been hit with a stomach bug that I also know has been going around my work. I was in bed all day Saturday and I couldn't eat all day.

On Sunday my body hurt so bad and my back seized up. I did some light stretches and it eventually felt good enough to walk outside lightly for a bit. My body does feel better today but my energy still feels low. I'm proud of myself though that I walked yesterday and still made it to the gym today.

At the gym I just felt really tired and I only lasted for about 40 min. I walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes and then I went on the horrid stairmaster. I lasted on that stairmaster for 1 min and 33 seconds, which is just a little but it's still more time that the 50 seconds I lasted the first time and the 1 min 16 seconds that I was able to stay on the last time. 

Afer the stairmaster I went onto the rower for 15 min. I am not sure why but today was just so psychologically hard on me on the rower. I felt like my stomach was bloated and just felt so big and fat. The fat in my stomach made it hard to breathe and pull the rower back. I wanted to quit and I wanted to cry but luckily I did neither. I made it but I was also a bit slower than the last time I was on the rower. It gave me a good sweat though.

I went back to the treadmill and put the incline up to 10%. I only lasted for a few min and then about five minutes later I just decided to stop. I wanted to push myself more but something just told me to stop so I did. 

The great news is that even tbough I wanted to exercise for an hour and did not accomplish my goal, I still made it 40 minutes and I worked up a sweat. It's better than nothing! 

Tomorrow I'm going for a short hike by the beach with a friend. I am planning on taking a yoga class on Wednesday and going for a quick incline walk on Thursday. 

I will just keep on keeping on. 

Still Going

I haven't updated in a while but the good news is that the last time that I updated was November in my 5th week of exercise and the great news is that I am still exercising. I had to cut back the last two weeks a bit due to leg, knee and foot pain but I have been pretty consistent with minimally three-four times of exercise a week. 

As of today I was 302 which is a decrease from the last time I posted in November but it seems that I have been at a standstill since January. To be transparent I haven't been eating as well as I should and sometimes I am messing up so I know that I need to get back on track in that area. It's just so hard but I know that it will be the only thing that is going to shift me! 

Since October I have been taking pictures of myself and I have not noticed any difference! In fact, in some areas my body seems worse, but I am not sure if that is just in my head. I have a big cushion of fat on my inner thigh and sometimes in my pictures it looks like that portion of my inner thing is starting to drop down towards my knee. It is really frustrating me, especially since I am trying so hard with exercise! Sometimes I fear that I am going to have hanging skin in that area and it makes me sad.  I know that I probably need to do more squats and lunges to tighten up the leg but I've been taking a break due to my knee and leg. 

A few weeks ago I bought two 5 pound dumbbells and I started an arm routine. I haven't started a leg routine yet other than random squats but once my knee is better I am going to fit at least two leg routines in my week. With my arm routine I wasn't even able to do one set of 15 but now I am up to 2 sets of 15 for about six arm workouts. I need to get more consistent in this area and have a structured routine. I am somewhat keeping up with the same routine but perhaps I need to write it down so that I make sure that I am hitting all exercises. My goal is to add two arms and two legs day, as well as one yoga class, in addition to cardio days at gym or outside the gym such as walking or hiking.

Honestly I came here today to talk about how I am frustrated that I am at a weight stand still but now I honestly feel proud that I am still being consistent. I just need to be more consistent in my diet if I want the weight to come off and be more consistent in my strength training routines that I am adding.

Staying on Track

Stress, a leg injury and autoimmune attack got the best of me the last 1-2 weeks and I had to slightly cut back on my exercise but I was able to hold my own today for 50 min of cardio on treadmill and elliptical, two sets of both lower and upper plank holding 30 seconds each, two sets of downward facing dog, one chataranga, one cobra, one hundred Pilate hundreds with my legs in the air, 50 modified Pilates hundreds with my knees up, two sets of 6 different arm workouts with weights, and one set of half ass dead bugs because I couldn’t do anymore. But my stress, mood and body feel better!!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Here I am, over 2 years later back at the same place that I was before. In fact, I just opened up this blog and noticed that I am even at the same weight that I was in my last post; 311. The good news is that at some point I went all the way up to 318 and now I am down to 311. The good news also is that I am very, very uncomfortable with my body right now and it's actually making me act on something.

In August I saw my ex and he told me that he was worried about me because I did not look well. He doesn't ever exaggerate so I took him seriously. He said that I looked swollen and just not well and that it had nothing to do with increased weight. He said that it reminded him of his mother when she started to get sick and he asked me to please take better care of myself. I took it seriously and although it took me a month or so to get started, I finally started. 

I started exercising slowly and now I am finishing up my fifth week. I actually think I am finishing up my seventh week but my documentation is wishy washy in the beginning. Besides, at the beginning I was barely exercising anyway so I won't even count those two weeks. I first started off with 9 minutes on the elliptical and then it progressed to walking twice a week. As of last week I am up to 35 min on the elliptical for one day, and two walks at 60 min each. This upcoming week I am going to increase an extra 30 min on a fourth day. I think on that day I am going to do incline training on the treadmill so I can improve my cardio and leg muscles when walking up hills. 

In one way I am frustrated that I am taking it so slow. In another way I am pleased with myself because I feel that if I start slowly and build up steadily then I won't get injured or overwhelmed. This weekend I went walking on a hill and I sort of wonder if I pushed it too fast because the last two days I have been really demoralized. It was hard on me with my cardio and I had a cramp in my leg muscles. It's just triggering me into feelings that I am seriously out of weight and it's so damn hard and exhausting. 

Today I went to yoga and at one point it was hard for me. It was even a light yoga class. I got so demoralized and started to just feel like giving up. But at the end when I laid there I thought what the hell does it even mean to give up because I am freaking here where I am right now because I keep giving up! I just can't give up this time! It's going to be very hard because I am battling it in my head right now. 

This week one thing that I did notice though is that I am starting to get hungry much more quickly than usual. About an hour or two after I eat, I feel very hungry. I think this is a good sign and I suspect that it means my metabolism is increasing. This week I am going to keep up my exercise and I am going to try really hard to eat better this week too!  

311

 

I've known it for a while but I've been avoiding it. 311, the highest weight I've ever been. At the beginning of the pandemic I got to 311 also and then kickstarted my way back down again. For at least six months I refused to even weight myself because I knew that I gained weight. I just wanted to live in denial. But eventually I noticed that I was the most uncomfortable and tight in my clothes that I have ever been, so I weighed myself. Then I silently have dealt with it in shame, but I still didn't lose weight for months.

With all the weight that I have gained over the years, I only went up literally 2 pant sizes. In my teen years and early twenties I was a size 12. At size 12 I was fit and in my best shape but I was a 12 because of my wide hips, but I would have to wear a belt or take in my waist because I had a smaller waist. Sometimes I had to take in my legs too but a 12 would fit my hips.  In my late twenties I was a size 14 and I wouldn't mind being at that size again- 14s also were loose in my aist. In my thirties I was a size 16 and my waist started filling in as I finally gained weight in my stomach and waist. In my fourties I have been a size 18. And most recently I had to go up to a 20 but I lost six pounds now and the 20s are starting to fall off my body, literally. Thank goodness for that but in no time at all I will be back to a straight 18 with my jeans and I am already back at an 18 with my work pants. My final goal will be just to get back to a 14 eventually. I'd love to say a size 12 but that would just be icing on the cake. 

I have felt such a deep sense of shame about it that it also made me just go into complete denial and not even try to lose weight. It's hard for anyone to imagine that, I suppose, but it's true. And it is what it is. I haven't gone to the doctor in a year and a half because I don't want to be weighed. I keep saying to myself that I will go the doctor when I am in the 280s. But I finally just accepted that it is what it is and that I can't lose it if I don't come to terms with it. Now that I have said it, I feel like something has to be done. It's embarrassing to be transparent about it but I feel like I can't get better if I don't accept it and admit it.

I created this blog because I originally wanted to get to a certain weight and take myself to Hawaii with my girlfriends. It was 120 pounds that I wanted to lose. I know I have more to lose but I'm still taking myself to Hawaii when I hit the 120 pounds mark. It feels so depressing and like it's going to take forever to get there. I am so scared that I am going to have ugly hanging skin. But I also know that if I don't do something now that it is just going to get worse and worse, because that's the trend that has been happening.

I was at 311 pounds. As of today I am at 306, and probably less because I weighed myself later in the day. The next thing you know I will be under 300. I can do this! In the back of my head I don't even believe it but maybe if I blog about it enough and tell myself that enough, then it'll happen. IT WILL HAPPEN! 

On Losing and Finding Yoga Again

 I lost my physical yoga habit when the pandemic hit. I say "physical yoga habit" because there are many components of yoga and the physical poses, or asanas, are just one component. I kept up with the pranayama aspect of it, which is breathing, for quite a while until we went back into the office a year ago and then that also fell to the wayside. I do breathing exercises here or there but it's not as consistent as it should be. One positive thing though is that the breath work greatly helped me heal my anxiety, even throughout the pandemic.

When the state shut down hit, my yoga studio closed. I did a handful of weeks of online yoga sessions with my teacher but I became so overwhelmed with the pandemic and working in the school system during the pandemic. We all had to learn zoom, google meets etc and I taught my yoga teacher how to use them. She provided 30 min classes and I engaged in them here or there but I eventually stopped when my work got too intensive and stressful.

The day of the state shut down I called my doctor and asked for some temporary anti anxiety meds that I had previously used when I had panic attacks a few years back. I remember standing in line the day of the shut down, waiting for my meds, and I had a major panic attack. I got seriously upset that people were standing too close to me and I felt scared because my doctor's office closed. I think I took meds on that day but after that I started to have some mini panic attacks when I would read all the bad news. I started doing breathing activities and noticed that I was able to stop the impending panic attack from occurring with my breath and some light stretching, so I mainly started to focus on that. I don't think I took meds again, except maybe once. Little by little I controlled my anxiety. 

Sometimes my yoga teacher couldn't accommodate my work schedule so I did a few "Yoga with Adriene" classes on youtube. I just couldn't be consistent with it though. I needed the accountability of a teacher at the time because it became easy for me to pause or get easily distracted at home. I shouldn't make excuses because ultimately the highest ideal is to do yoga on your own, without a studio, without a class, without a teacher, when you don't have anything else available. But I just fell off the wagon and picked up a daily walking habit, which helped me at the time because I walked at the park and was able to see other people here and there since I felt so isolated working from home. I prioritized walking. It was good for me at the time for my anxiety.

When the state opened up in the late summer, my yoga teacher started teaching yoga in the park in summer or maybe September 2020 and I went to the classes. I loved it, lying on the ground sometimes and looking up into the sky. It was sort of hard on me getting back into shape after months of no practice but after a month or so my strength and stamina improved. But sometimes it would be too windy and we couldn't do classes. Or sometimes I had an allergy attack with the grass. And then it started getting too dark too soon and then the big wind season hit and we stopped doing yoga in the park. I don't know when it stopped but it was maybe October of 2020. My few months of yoga bliss ended and I fell off the wagon again.

I walked the entire pandemic but last May when I had to go back to work, I stopped walking also. It became so overwhelming dealing with the fear and stress of returning to work, dealing with an office environment that had been taken over by rats during the shut down, working with employees in trauma, managing covid outbreaks. My walking regime just ended. Every few months I go on a walk here and there but it's not consistent. I have no one to blame but myself and stress.

Meanwhile I gained more weight ever since I went back to work. Then in October 2021 I spent time at a school site and started walking a lot at work. I started feeling psychologically better, walking around outside again but suddenly being thrown into a walking routine so quickly triggered my previous car accident injury and I suffered through the pain. I kept telling myself that I should start yoga again. I've been in pain ever since.

There were nights in bed that my body ached so bad that I dreamt about the ache. I would wake up, or before I went to bed, and would do some light yoga poses. When I left the school I started feeling better but I still had and have pain. I picked up a class on youtube with Yoga With Adriene again but then I suffered through the frustration of trying to do yoga when I had gained even more weight. I would get frustrated and demoralized, stop the class, promise to walk and then obviously rarely walk. I tried to do yoga again and my fat stomach prohibited certain moves and my tight hips caused severe pain that I couldn't even sit on the floor for very long. I was and am just a hot mess.

A few times I called my yoga instructor and asked for private or online lessons but she's only doing a class a week that she just started in person. I don't feel safe to go to a class in person because there's a lot of deep breath involved. She claims that the class only has three or so people but I was 1) scared and 2) had a coaching certification class at the same time. I depended on that teacher as my only yoga teacher and perhaps that was the problem, and I still haven't done yoga.

Yesterday I decided that enough is enough with my pain and weight, especially now that I will be going back to a school site starting on Tuesday and will be walking around more. It's not just that though-I really just want to be healthy. I'm going on a girls trip to Alaska in September and I don't want to have anxiety flying while fat. I went on a vacation in March and was worn out walking around, even though we did minimal walking. I just want to have more energy and feel better. I want to end the pain that I feel. I want to be able to stand up without wobbling like an old lady when I first walk because I have so much pain. I just want to be able to get up off the couch easily and pain free! 

Yesterday I did yoga for the first time in a long time, although it was only a ten minute session. It followed an emotional breakdown and I had an emotional breakdown while doing it. But I did it. The story of that breakdown and yoga experience will be another post but I am feeling dedicated that I am going to get back on track, no matter how emotionally or physically difficult it is going to be at first. I have a plan that I will write about soon. I just want to feel better in my body. I just want my pain to end.

This Week's Goals

I am starting small as I am starting again.

1. Walk every day for 15 minutes.

2. Drink more water.

3. Eat a good breakfast at home before I got to work. 

4. Sit and enjoy my breakfast. 

5. Check in with my accountability partner each evening.

Trying Again

 Once again I am trying again. I am trying not to have any self judgment about this off and on again dynamic I have been going through but it is what it is and there isn't any other alternative than to keep trying again.

I am at my highest weight ever. I have no energy. Today I spent less than ten minutes out in the yard pulling weeds and I almost wanted to pass out from no energy. Sometimes I also wonder if I am anemic but I am too stubborn to go to the doctor because I don't want to be weighed. I am aware that is probably not the best decision.

My friend asked me to try something today and just give it a chance. She told me to walk every day for 15 min and then after two weeks I will add more. I want to jump in and do more but she claims that I always want to do too much and burn myself out so she suggested I just start with 15 min to get my body ready to start working out again.

I was feeling so exhausted after pulling weeds but I mustered all my energy and walked for 15 min on the treadmill. At first I felt like I wanted to pass out, literally. That's how bad shape I am in. I started with 1.8 mpr for a few minutes and then I moved up to 2.0 for 5 min and 2.3 for 5 min and 2.5 for 5 minutes. After about 5 minutes I started having just a little bit more energy and feeling better. I did my 15 minutes and finished.

Today is day one...I will try again tomorrow. Hopefully day by day I will feel stronger. I know I will.

Stamina

I recently applied for a new job, school principal, and am waiting on the results of my interviews. One of my friends recently invited me to some facebook groups for principals and one comment on a post in particular recently caught my attention. One of the principals said, "In order to be a successful principal, you need to have the trait of stamina".

I have a lot of stamina inside of me. I can tolerate a lot of stress, dysfunctional, long work hours and have a lot of emotional stamina. But I am pretty out of shape and haven't been exercising, especially ever since we came back to work after the shut down. I am out of shape. I need to lose weight. I need to improve my cardio. I even get physically exhausted from cleaning the house, running errands or even going out and doing things on vacation.  It's time for me to increase my physical stamina. 

In October I was co-admin at a school site for about 11 weeks. I had previously had an injury from a car accident that affected my leg and foot that took years to heal. I don't know if it is just a coincidence (because there have been a number of times that it flared up briefly) but once I started at the school site I suddenly had major pain in my foot and leg. I suspect it was from all the walking that I was suddenly doing but I am also not sure if it was a coincidence.

After a week or so of walking, my hips also started to ache badly. In fact, my lower body ached so bad that there were nights that it woke me up from the pain. It got better once I left the school site and wasn't walking so much but I am still in a lot of pain with my foot. I haven't been exercising-which I know is a problem-and I am at an all time high in my weight. I really need to get this problem under control. 

The other day I went to an event with a friend at a zoo and I only walked about 7000 steps, which really isn't a lot. But my feet and my legs ached so bad afterwards and I felt exhausted. I always feel exhausted. I huff and I puff and I run out of energy. My legs and my feet hurt. My lower back hurts. I haven't done yoga in over a year and a half. It's been almost a year since I stopped exercising consistently. 

If I get this job, I am going to need a lot of physical stamina. I remember there being days that I had to run after students. The job requires a lot of walking and being on your feet. I once had to pick up a little kindergarten student who threw herself on the ground in the street and wouldn't go to school and I had to carry her into the office to keep her safe. The job will definitely require physical stamina.

If I get this job, I am not sure when I would start but I imagine that I would be in place for June. June might not be too much of an issue because it is just summer school and not as many students will be there. But the new school year starts in August and I will need to be at the top of my game for any potential kindergarten runners (or other runners). It'll also help my stress levels to have more energy once the school starts.

I keep saying that I will start today but I am going to start today. I am going to start steady and slow with a light walk and light yoga today. I am a little frustrated with myself that I am thinking about exercising for a job and not for myself, but....whatever works, right? I know there are no shortcuts and that the only way to increase my physical stamina is to get consistent with moving, drink water, and sleep water. I better get busy. 

The Eat Right Now App

 A while back I took a mindfulness class online and there was a video from Dr. Judson Brewer, an addiction psychiatrist who uses mindfulness to help with our relationship with food. I really liked the video and got a lot out of it, so when I saw that Dr. Brewer has an app called "Eat Right Now", I figured I would give it a try! 

The Eat Right Now app costs $24.99 for a month. In the introduction Dr. Brewer stated that he recommends using the app for 6 months because for the first month he doesn't jump right into food but begins to train our mind with mindfulness. I figured I would give it a go for a month and then extend it if I like it.

I just finished the introduction and also day 1. I am only on day one but it seems as if it has activities for around 10 minutes a day. Today we focused on mindfulness and habit loops. We have a trigger, we feed out trigger with food and we feel good about it so we keep perpetuating the loop. We have positive memories about food that makes us feel good. And when we have negative things happen, we have memories about food making us feel better.

So far day one has a few videos about a topic and then today we did a mindfulness activity that many people might have done before when you begin to study mindfulness-you mindfully look at a raisin. I think on other days he will have other activities or mindfulness practices that will help with healthy and mindful eating. Hopefully it will eventually help me lose weight.

There is a section to write a daily journal. I just wrote something simple and short and I commented on a few other people's journals. There appears to be a pretty active community of people encouraging one another through their journals and responding to one another's journals. 

There is also a few tools that I haven't used yet, and I will give an update about the app once I use it a little more! I'm just looking forward to trying to get back on track and stay on track this time!! Here are some topics in the app for week one: 

Flying While Fat

I've had anxiety for years about flying while fat. I worry that my hips will spill over into someone else's seat. I worry that my arm will extend a little over the armrest and touch someone else. I worry that I will make someone else uncomfortable. I fear that they will take me out of my seat and make me buy two seats, embarrassing me in front of everyone.

Sometimes I hope to sit next to a super skinny person so they won't notice if I take up a little bit of extra space. Sometimes I hope to sit next to another fat person so that we will just squish up against one another and be fine with being uncomfortable. I always go to the second to the last row in the plane out of hopes that the plane will fill and leave me an empty seat between myself and another person. But mostly I have just avoided flying. And I always, ALWAYS, burn with shame about it all. 

A few of my colleagues know about this anxiety and try to sit in the same row with me. We run straight to the back of the plane when we are on open seating flights because we know we can guarantee a row together at the back. It's always a nerve-racking experience as I wait to see if I get to sit with one of them.  We strategically put someone with smaller hips between us. I always sit on the aisle to give myself some extra room when no one is walking down the aisle. But when people are walking down the aisle or I have to sit next to someone I don't know, I move myself into crazy contortions to give space to other people and I end up being in pain from muscle strain the day after the trip.

The last time that I flew was November 2019, a month before the news of covid hit. I started to buckle my seatbelt and suddenly I couldn't click the seatbelt together. I tried, and I tried, and I tried.... but I finally looked at my colleague and told her, "I can't click the seatbelt! I need a seatbelt extender!" I felt a panic attack coming on as I thought about asking the flight attendant for a seatbelt extender. My colleague finally calmed me down and I realized that I would have been able to click the seatbelt but my panic was preventing me from doing so. 

Last November I won a scholarship to attend an advocacy institute in the central part of my state. The scholarship offered to buy my plane ticket but I chose instead to drive alone for six hours. At first I convinced myself that I was afraid to fly due to covid but I also think the fear of gaining even more weight during the pandemic and the former seatbelt fiasco made me also fear flying. 

A logical solution to all this fear and drama about flying while fat would be to simply lose weight. Drop the pounds and be able to see the world. I used to love to travel so much and then overworking myself as well as this flying while fat issue has really put a damper on my travel spirit. I just want to be able to have fun traveling again and not worry about being uncomfortable or feeling this sense of shame and dread about it all.

This week I finally decided to order plane tickets. I gave myself enough time to try to lose a little bit of weight and we ordered plane tickets for a girls trip to Alaska in September. I figure I should be able to lose 20-30 pounds by then. I'd like to lose more but I figure I will give myself a break and just try my best. I feel nervous about it, but hopeful that I will lose a little weight by then.

They always say that weight loss is best when it's all about the reasons behind it and not just about the numbers or looking good. In this case I want to lose weight so I can feel excited to get out and about in the world again. I want to feel less shame and disappointment. I don't want to have pain. I want to fly and see my brother one day. I want to fly and go on more trips with my girlfriends. I want to fly to places on my own if no one else wants to go somewhere with me. And I want to feel good while I'm doing it. 

I WILL lose at least 20 pounds by September!!!! 

Checking In

Two weeks ago I wrote a letter to my body, had a great session with my counselor and then I came back to visit the blog today and realized that I have made minimal changes to my diet or lifestyle. I haven't exercised at all, except a few stretches when I was in major pain. But the good news is that I have eaten just an itty bitty bit better lately. I added more fruit and veggies-even though its only a small amount. I have tried to sleep more. I have added more water. I drank water instead of soda a few times and I chose a salad once when I went to a fast food restaurant for lunch. I was intentional the last two weeks about adding more iron into my diet and I counted the amount of iron a few times in my head. I was eating breakfast at home but I recently ran out of eggs so the last four days I have been going to Starbucks but still....I was trying to get a more healthy breakfast habit going on.

I started to beat myself up emotionally when I first started writing the last paragraph but then I realized that there is no point to all that.  It is what it is and the only thing I can do is reflect and try to get better. I am here now, reflecting on this and I already want to go grocery shopping, plan out few meals for the week and take a short walk. Perhaps I need to make it a habit to visit this blog more often. I think that was the original intent of starting the blog-as a form of accountability to myself. I will get better in that area also.

On Friday night I went to dinner with friends for one of their birthdays and someone asked me what was my target goal date. I said that I didn't have one. I know eventually I need to start setting some targets but my immediate goal is to immediately shed a few pounds and get my body moving so that I can stop the intense pain that I have been feeling in my body as well as the extreme discomfort that I feel over the extra pounds that I've acquired the last few months in my stomach. 

My intentions for this week are:

• Drink more water.
• Keep on working on trying to get a little more sleep.
• Eat breakfast at home all week.
• Take a sandwich and fruit or veggies to lunch every day this week.
• Walk at least two days this week.
• Do at least one light yoga session this week.
• Do at least one meditation this week.
• Blog at least twice this week on this blog.

I was embarrassed to weigh myself because I know I have gained so much weight lately but I am ready to weigh myself this upcoming Wednesday. Yikes. 

A Restorative Conversation with My Body

 I recently took a master class on showing up for myself in a certain area of my life. The coach asked us to pick a category of our life and write a letter of apology to it, and also write about how I will show up for it in the future. I chose my health. I'm just going to write it from the bottom of my heart with no pre-planning or edits. I just want it to be authentic for what pops up in my head without too much overthinking.

Dear Body,

I've been trying to write you a letter all week but I just couldn't muster up the nerve. It's been something that I have been avoiding but after Rick's class, I realized that not writing this letter is just another way that I am not showing up for you in my life. But here I am now. 

In a way I don't even know what to say because you've heard it all before-today will be the last day, I'll get back on track tomorrow, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I'll get it right this time... I've said it all before but it just occurred to me that I have never apologized to you. How can I ever right the wrong that I have caused you if I can't even admit how much I have harmed you? I'm here to have a restorative conversation, as we say in the education community, to write and right a wrong that has been caused to a victim.. and this time that victim is you.

I'm sorry that I have treated you so badly and abused you for so many years. All of the unhealthy food that I have put into you and all those extra calories I frequently consume. All of the lack of sleep that I have put you through. All of the stress and anxiety that I have subjected you to and all of the self care that I didn't do when you needed it from me the most in times of stress. All of the feelings I suppressed over the years. All of the abusive ways that I tried to numb the pain in you.  All the overwork and lack of vacations or all of the time off that I didn't take when you needed it the most. All those times when I put someone else before you. All of the times that you felt like you were choking because I stifled your voice. All the times I didn't give you enough movement and exercise. All the times I deprived you of feeling joy and finding opportunities for you to laugh. All the places that I didn't go and pictures of myself that I didn't take because I was ashamed of how much weight I have put on you.

Sometimes I fear that you are going to one day give out on me because I have put you through such a beating. I fear that your arteries are clogged and your heart has been weakened. I fear that your cells will mutate and you'll start to grow cancer because I forced so many toxins into you over the years. I fear that when I finally do lose weight that you will have ugly hanging skin because I took too damn long to do anything about the excess weight. I fear that you will have a stroke like your grandmother and aunt because of something I have done or didn't do to you.

You tried to talk to me for years and I am sorry that I didn't listen to you. When I used to take time off, I didn't understand why I would sit on the beach to unwind and you would make tears roll down my face all day. I didn't understand that you were trying to give me a sign and releasing some of the stress and tension that was pent up in me and that you just didn't know how to unwind because I had wound you up too tight. You tried to tell me that you were overworked when I would crash and burn for days when I finally was able to have winter vacation. You tried to send me red alerts in my body when you knew someone or something wasn't good for me. Lately you have been sending me dream messages about doing certain yoga poses to alleviate some of the pain that I feel in my body and although you have started to get my attention, I haven't done yet what I need to do to make you feel better. 

I'm so sorry for the harm that I have caused you.

But I'm going to try to make it right this time and if I fall again then I will get up and keep trying. I am going to have more compassion and for you and shower you with self love. I am going to nurture you more. I am going to spend more time in the sun. I am going to move you more. I am going to put more healthy food into you. I am going to spend time with people who make you happy and bring joy into your life. I am going to travel more and get out and about more so that you can feel passion running through your veins. I am going to start yoga again so that I can soothe the pain that you feel. I am going to start meditating again. I am going to set stronger boundaries about work and give you more down time. I am going to be kind and loving to you.

I've told you before all the ways that I am going to be better over the years so sometimes I feel like I am a broken record and when I don't follow through I then put you through so much shame. I am going to work harder at forgiving myself when I do let you down so that you don't have to feel that shame and be re-victimized all over by me. I'm going to show up more at being consistent. I am going to get a health coach. I am going to treat myself as if I am an addict and take a "one day at a time" perspective. 

Even though I have abused you and neglected you for the past 15-20 years, you have rarely let me down. You are strong and resilient. You are the shape of a beautiful goddess under all that extra fat. As the massage therapists always tell me, your muscles have strong muscle memory even though you have lost your exercise habit. I know that you are very flexible but are just a bit rusty due to underuse. You have a strong sense of intuition and send me signs that are rarely wrong. You have managed to learn how to navigate panic attacks and rarely have them anymore. Your nervous system is more regulated than it was a few years ago. You never cease to amaze me that you have not given me more problems although I have drug you through the mud all these years.

Now it is finally time for me to be there for you as much as you have been there for me all of these years. I am going to get it right this time. You and I have a long way to go because I am about to turn 46 and I want to treat you better in the second half of my life. I am going to make you proud. I am going to bring you peace. I am going to love you more.

Love, 

Me

A Day at a Time

Here I am again, year after year, month after month, day after day, minute after minute back in the same place I have been stuck for at least over a decade. I fell off the wagon again. 

I was doing so well during the stay at home phase of covid because I walked often at the park or on my treadmill at home. I was having a hard time losing weight but at least I was keeping active. Then I had to go back to the office in May 2021 and all my exercise ended. I have barely exercised in over 7 months and I make very poor food choices. For two months I did walk a lot in a temporary job where I was placed but I ate so poorly that I didn't lose much weight. 

I'm pretty sure that I am currently over 300 pounds. At one point I was 311. I'm not even weighing myself again until I get my exercise back up and running again. I am SO PHYSICALLY UNCOMFORTABLE in my body. Yet, I still can't seem to get my shit together in this area.

But the good news is that I am here blogging again, ready to address the issue...again. And I am here to try to hold myself accountable. Ironic that I joined the A-Z challenge where you blog about topics for a month and right after the first post about accountability I fell off the wagon. Typical.

I do feel a deep sense of shame because I can't seem to get this right. I can't seem to make myself and my health a priority but I sure can go above and beyond for work or for people who don't even value me that much. 

This time I am not going to make any promises about getting it right this time. I am just here, in the moment, back at blogging about my weight loss and trying to get back on track. I will just take it a day at a time. 

A is for Accountability

There's often talk about how useful an "accountability partner" is for accomplishing goals. Having a way to hold ourselves accountable to meeting our goals can keep us motivated or on track. It's easier to break a commitment that we make to ourselves when no one else knows about it but lately I've been finding it useful to stay on track when I also let others know about my goals. I plan on using this blog as a form of accountability for my weight loss. 

I'm going to weigh myself once a week, more than likely every Wednesday morning, and track my weight on this blog as a form of accountability to myself. Years ago I lost 40 pounds because every week I would weigh myself in front of my boyfriend and he would write down my weight. It became more difficult for me to make bad food decisions each week because I know that another person would see my progress that week. 

I have been weighing myself every week now for the past two months and I have been going up and down the same seven pounds. Two weeks ago I started to get more intentional about it and I have been at a complete standstill for the past two weeks. I call a friend to tell update them on my weigh in, and that has somewhat helped me, but I think it might help me even more if I publicly track my progress and keep it in a central location. Each week I plan on reporting it with a picture and keeping a running tally of my weigh ins on the top right hand corner of this blog.

Today I weighed myself and I weighted 291. I'm frustrated because I've only lost one pound this week and I would really like to get below 290-I've been trying for two months!- but I have to remind myself that 1 pound lost is better than gaining a pound.  I also am changing my weigh in from Sunday to Wednesday, so technically it hasn't even been a week since my last weigh in, so maybe losing one pound in four days is pretty good after all! I'll weigh in again next week!

I am participating in the BloggingA-Z challenge. You can find other blogs who are also participating here. 

My Health Journey

I'm ready to finally commit to making changes in my life to live a healthy lifestyle. Of course I have said that before to  myself time and again-in fact, I recently found my diary from 2005 where I sang the same ole tune except I was 55 pounds lighter-but somehow this time it  just feels different.  In a week I will be turning 45 years old and this birthday feels really significant to me in a way that I don't quit understand yet. I feel as if I am hitting a milestone in my life in many ways and I want to kickstart that milestone on a more healthy path.

This blog marks my commitment to myself that I will get it right this time. 

Last February when we went into quarantine over covid, I weighed a big whopping 311 pounds. I don't know how I managed to get that high, but I did. But the good news is that over the past year I have made many changes to my lifestyle and I am working my way towards a more consistent exercise routine. The bad news is that in one year I have only managed to lose 19 pounds. But at the end of the day, I have still lost weight.

The past seven months I have been battling the same ten pounds up and down. It's been beyond frustrating but starting on January 23 I have been more intentional about it all. But since then I have gone up and down the same seven pounds and have only lost 7 pounds in two months. I keep telling myself that seven pounds is better than nothing or better than gaining but I am ready to do what it takes to try to speed it up a bit in a healthy way. 

Tomorrow will mark the second week that I have not eaten any fast food or picked up any take out food. It's been an emotionally frustrating two weeks because I thought that when I stopped eating out of the house that I would miraculously start to lose weight quickly but it's not been the case. I don't understand why yet but I am sure that as long as I am consistent with the methods that I am using that I will eventually figure out what works and what helps or hinders my progress. 

The 127 in my blog title represents the number of pounds that I still have to lose in order to reach my target weight. And at this point I am not even sure if that should be my target weight but it's what I am aiming for right now but I will give myself permission to aim for more or less 165 pounds. The weight charts tell me that I should be less but I also know that my body frame is larger and in the past I've had muscle mass so I'll aim for 165 and when I get close I'll let myself decide when I am at my ideal weight based on how I feel in my body at that moment.

But this journey that I am on isn't just about losing weight, although the title of the blog seems to be all about that. I just want to be healthy-physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually and socially. I am a whole person and I just can't see myself getting physically healthy without improving all the other parts of my life as well. 

My goal is that once I hit 175 pounds that I would like to jet off to Hawaii for a getaway with my girlfriends to celebrate my accomplishment. I started this blog to keep me on track and to help me track my progress as I aim for that goal. So, I have 117 pounds left to go until I am rolling around on a beach in the Hawaiian paradise. 

This blog is mainly for me, so one day I can look back and acknowledge how far I have come. It hit me really hard the other day when I read my diary in 2005 and realized that I was still struggling with the same weight loss problems then and I still haven't fixed them. I just don't want to look back in another ten years and find that I am still in the same place so I made a commitment to document my progress here so I can look back one day and see that I finally hit the mark. And if it inspires one more person in the world who might come across the blog to also kickstart their health journey too, then all the better!