Trying Again

 Once again I am trying again. I am trying not to have any self judgment about this off and on again dynamic I have been going through but it is what it is and there isn't any other alternative than to keep trying again.

I am at my highest weight ever. I have no energy. Today I spent less than ten minutes out in the yard pulling weeds and I almost wanted to pass out from no energy. Sometimes I also wonder if I am anemic but I am too stubborn to go to the doctor because I don't want to be weighed. I am aware that is probably not the best decision.

My friend asked me to try something today and just give it a chance. She told me to walk every day for 15 min and then after two weeks I will add more. I want to jump in and do more but she claims that I always want to do too much and burn myself out so she suggested I just start with 15 min to get my body ready to start working out again.

I was feeling so exhausted after pulling weeds but I mustered all my energy and walked for 15 min on the treadmill. At first I felt like I wanted to pass out, literally. That's how bad shape I am in. I started with 1.8 mpr for a few minutes and then I moved up to 2.0 for 5 min and 2.3 for 5 min and 2.5 for 5 minutes. After about 5 minutes I started having just a little bit more energy and feeling better. I did my 15 minutes and finished.

Today is day one...I will try again tomorrow. Hopefully day by day I will feel stronger. I know I will.

Stamina

I recently applied for a new job, school principal, and am waiting on the results of my interviews. One of my friends recently invited me to some facebook groups for principals and one comment on a post in particular recently caught my attention. One of the principals said, "In order to be a successful principal, you need to have the trait of stamina".

I have a lot of stamina inside of me. I can tolerate a lot of stress, dysfunctional, long work hours and have a lot of emotional stamina. But I am pretty out of shape and haven't been exercising, especially ever since we came back to work after the shut down. I am out of shape. I need to lose weight. I need to improve my cardio. I even get physically exhausted from cleaning the house, running errands or even going out and doing things on vacation.  It's time for me to increase my physical stamina. 

In October I was co-admin at a school site for about 11 weeks. I had previously had an injury from a car accident that affected my leg and foot that took years to heal. I don't know if it is just a coincidence (because there have been a number of times that it flared up briefly) but once I started at the school site I suddenly had major pain in my foot and leg. I suspect it was from all the walking that I was suddenly doing but I am also not sure if it was a coincidence.

After a week or so of walking, my hips also started to ache badly. In fact, my lower body ached so bad that there were nights that it woke me up from the pain. It got better once I left the school site and wasn't walking so much but I am still in a lot of pain with my foot. I haven't been exercising-which I know is a problem-and I am at an all time high in my weight. I really need to get this problem under control. 

The other day I went to an event with a friend at a zoo and I only walked about 7000 steps, which really isn't a lot. But my feet and my legs ached so bad afterwards and I felt exhausted. I always feel exhausted. I huff and I puff and I run out of energy. My legs and my feet hurt. My lower back hurts. I haven't done yoga in over a year and a half. It's been almost a year since I stopped exercising consistently. 

If I get this job, I am going to need a lot of physical stamina. I remember there being days that I had to run after students. The job requires a lot of walking and being on your feet. I once had to pick up a little kindergarten student who threw herself on the ground in the street and wouldn't go to school and I had to carry her into the office to keep her safe. The job will definitely require physical stamina.

If I get this job, I am not sure when I would start but I imagine that I would be in place for June. June might not be too much of an issue because it is just summer school and not as many students will be there. But the new school year starts in August and I will need to be at the top of my game for any potential kindergarten runners (or other runners). It'll also help my stress levels to have more energy once the school starts.

I keep saying that I will start today but I am going to start today. I am going to start steady and slow with a light walk and light yoga today. I am a little frustrated with myself that I am thinking about exercising for a job and not for myself, but....whatever works, right? I know there are no shortcuts and that the only way to increase my physical stamina is to get consistent with moving, drink water, and sleep water. I better get busy. 

The Eat Right Now App

 A while back I took a mindfulness class online and there was a video from Dr. Judson Brewer, an addiction psychiatrist who uses mindfulness to help with our relationship with food. I really liked the video and got a lot out of it, so when I saw that Dr. Brewer has an app called "Eat Right Now", I figured I would give it a try! 

The Eat Right Now app costs $24.99 for a month. In the introduction Dr. Brewer stated that he recommends using the app for 6 months because for the first month he doesn't jump right into food but begins to train our mind with mindfulness. I figured I would give it a go for a month and then extend it if I like it.

I just finished the introduction and also day 1. I am only on day one but it seems as if it has activities for around 10 minutes a day. Today we focused on mindfulness and habit loops. We have a trigger, we feed out trigger with food and we feel good about it so we keep perpetuating the loop. We have positive memories about food that makes us feel good. And when we have negative things happen, we have memories about food making us feel better.

So far day one has a few videos about a topic and then today we did a mindfulness activity that many people might have done before when you begin to study mindfulness-you mindfully look at a raisin. I think on other days he will have other activities or mindfulness practices that will help with healthy and mindful eating. Hopefully it will eventually help me lose weight.

There is a section to write a daily journal. I just wrote something simple and short and I commented on a few other people's journals. There appears to be a pretty active community of people encouraging one another through their journals and responding to one another's journals. 

There is also a few tools that I haven't used yet, and I will give an update about the app once I use it a little more! I'm just looking forward to trying to get back on track and stay on track this time!! Here are some topics in the app for week one: 

Flying While Fat

I've had anxiety for years about flying while fat. I worry that my hips will spill over into someone else's seat. I worry that my arm will extend a little over the armrest and touch someone else. I worry that I will make someone else uncomfortable. I fear that they will take me out of my seat and make me buy two seats, embarrassing me in front of everyone.

Sometimes I hope to sit next to a super skinny person so they won't notice if I take up a little bit of extra space. Sometimes I hope to sit next to another fat person so that we will just squish up against one another and be fine with being uncomfortable. I always go to the second to the last row in the plane out of hopes that the plane will fill and leave me an empty seat between myself and another person. But mostly I have just avoided flying. And I always, ALWAYS, burn with shame about it all. 

A few of my colleagues know about this anxiety and try to sit in the same row with me. We run straight to the back of the plane when we are on open seating flights because we know we can guarantee a row together at the back. It's always a nerve-racking experience as I wait to see if I get to sit with one of them.  We strategically put someone with smaller hips between us. I always sit on the aisle to give myself some extra room when no one is walking down the aisle. But when people are walking down the aisle or I have to sit next to someone I don't know, I move myself into crazy contortions to give space to other people and I end up being in pain from muscle strain the day after the trip.

The last time that I flew was November 2019, a month before the news of covid hit. I started to buckle my seatbelt and suddenly I couldn't click the seatbelt together. I tried, and I tried, and I tried.... but I finally looked at my colleague and told her, "I can't click the seatbelt! I need a seatbelt extender!" I felt a panic attack coming on as I thought about asking the flight attendant for a seatbelt extender. My colleague finally calmed me down and I realized that I would have been able to click the seatbelt but my panic was preventing me from doing so. 

Last November I won a scholarship to attend an advocacy institute in the central part of my state. The scholarship offered to buy my plane ticket but I chose instead to drive alone for six hours. At first I convinced myself that I was afraid to fly due to covid but I also think the fear of gaining even more weight during the pandemic and the former seatbelt fiasco made me also fear flying. 

A logical solution to all this fear and drama about flying while fat would be to simply lose weight. Drop the pounds and be able to see the world. I used to love to travel so much and then overworking myself as well as this flying while fat issue has really put a damper on my travel spirit. I just want to be able to have fun traveling again and not worry about being uncomfortable or feeling this sense of shame and dread about it all.

This week I finally decided to order plane tickets. I gave myself enough time to try to lose a little bit of weight and we ordered plane tickets for a girls trip to Alaska in September. I figure I should be able to lose 20-30 pounds by then. I'd like to lose more but I figure I will give myself a break and just try my best. I feel nervous about it, but hopeful that I will lose a little weight by then.

They always say that weight loss is best when it's all about the reasons behind it and not just about the numbers or looking good. In this case I want to lose weight so I can feel excited to get out and about in the world again. I want to feel less shame and disappointment. I don't want to have pain. I want to fly and see my brother one day. I want to fly and go on more trips with my girlfriends. I want to fly to places on my own if no one else wants to go somewhere with me. And I want to feel good while I'm doing it. 

I WILL lose at least 20 pounds by September!!!! 

Checking In

Two weeks ago I wrote a letter to my body, had a great session with my counselor and then I came back to visit the blog today and realized that I have made minimal changes to my diet or lifestyle. I haven't exercised at all, except a few stretches when I was in major pain. But the good news is that I have eaten just an itty bitty bit better lately. I added more fruit and veggies-even though its only a small amount. I have tried to sleep more. I have added more water. I drank water instead of soda a few times and I chose a salad once when I went to a fast food restaurant for lunch. I was intentional the last two weeks about adding more iron into my diet and I counted the amount of iron a few times in my head. I was eating breakfast at home but I recently ran out of eggs so the last four days I have been going to Starbucks but still....I was trying to get a more healthy breakfast habit going on.

I started to beat myself up emotionally when I first started writing the last paragraph but then I realized that there is no point to all that.  It is what it is and the only thing I can do is reflect and try to get better. I am here now, reflecting on this and I already want to go grocery shopping, plan out few meals for the week and take a short walk. Perhaps I need to make it a habit to visit this blog more often. I think that was the original intent of starting the blog-as a form of accountability to myself. I will get better in that area also.

On Friday night I went to dinner with friends for one of their birthdays and someone asked me what was my target goal date. I said that I didn't have one. I know eventually I need to start setting some targets but my immediate goal is to immediately shed a few pounds and get my body moving so that I can stop the intense pain that I have been feeling in my body as well as the extreme discomfort that I feel over the extra pounds that I've acquired the last few months in my stomach. 

My intentions for this week are:

• Drink more water.
• Keep on working on trying to get a little more sleep.
• Eat breakfast at home all week.
• Take a sandwich and fruit or veggies to lunch every day this week.
• Walk at least two days this week.
• Do at least one light yoga session this week.
• Do at least one meditation this week.
• Blog at least twice this week on this blog.

I was embarrassed to weigh myself because I know I have gained so much weight lately but I am ready to weigh myself this upcoming Wednesday. Yikes. 

A Restorative Conversation with My Body

 I recently took a master class on showing up for myself in a certain area of my life. The coach asked us to pick a category of our life and write a letter of apology to it, and also write about how I will show up for it in the future. I chose my health. I'm just going to write it from the bottom of my heart with no pre-planning or edits. I just want it to be authentic for what pops up in my head without too much overthinking.

Dear Body,

I've been trying to write you a letter all week but I just couldn't muster up the nerve. It's been something that I have been avoiding but after Rick's class, I realized that not writing this letter is just another way that I am not showing up for you in my life. But here I am now. 

In a way I don't even know what to say because you've heard it all before-today will be the last day, I'll get back on track tomorrow, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I'll get it right this time... I've said it all before but it just occurred to me that I have never apologized to you. How can I ever right the wrong that I have caused you if I can't even admit how much I have harmed you? I'm here to have a restorative conversation, as we say in the education community, to write and right a wrong that has been caused to a victim.. and this time that victim is you.

I'm sorry that I have treated you so badly and abused you for so many years. All of the unhealthy food that I have put into you and all those extra calories I frequently consume. All of the lack of sleep that I have put you through. All of the stress and anxiety that I have subjected you to and all of the self care that I didn't do when you needed it from me the most in times of stress. All of the feelings I suppressed over the years. All of the abusive ways that I tried to numb the pain in you.  All the overwork and lack of vacations or all of the time off that I didn't take when you needed it the most. All those times when I put someone else before you. All of the times that you felt like you were choking because I stifled your voice. All the times I didn't give you enough movement and exercise. All the times I deprived you of feeling joy and finding opportunities for you to laugh. All the places that I didn't go and pictures of myself that I didn't take because I was ashamed of how much weight I have put on you.

Sometimes I fear that you are going to one day give out on me because I have put you through such a beating. I fear that your arteries are clogged and your heart has been weakened. I fear that your cells will mutate and you'll start to grow cancer because I forced so many toxins into you over the years. I fear that when I finally do lose weight that you will have ugly hanging skin because I took too damn long to do anything about the excess weight. I fear that you will have a stroke like your grandmother and aunt because of something I have done or didn't do to you.

You tried to talk to me for years and I am sorry that I didn't listen to you. When I used to take time off, I didn't understand why I would sit on the beach to unwind and you would make tears roll down my face all day. I didn't understand that you were trying to give me a sign and releasing some of the stress and tension that was pent up in me and that you just didn't know how to unwind because I had wound you up too tight. You tried to tell me that you were overworked when I would crash and burn for days when I finally was able to have winter vacation. You tried to send me red alerts in my body when you knew someone or something wasn't good for me. Lately you have been sending me dream messages about doing certain yoga poses to alleviate some of the pain that I feel in my body and although you have started to get my attention, I haven't done yet what I need to do to make you feel better. 

I'm so sorry for the harm that I have caused you.

But I'm going to try to make it right this time and if I fall again then I will get up and keep trying. I am going to have more compassion and for you and shower you with self love. I am going to nurture you more. I am going to spend more time in the sun. I am going to move you more. I am going to put more healthy food into you. I am going to spend time with people who make you happy and bring joy into your life. I am going to travel more and get out and about more so that you can feel passion running through your veins. I am going to start yoga again so that I can soothe the pain that you feel. I am going to start meditating again. I am going to set stronger boundaries about work and give you more down time. I am going to be kind and loving to you.

I've told you before all the ways that I am going to be better over the years so sometimes I feel like I am a broken record and when I don't follow through I then put you through so much shame. I am going to work harder at forgiving myself when I do let you down so that you don't have to feel that shame and be re-victimized all over by me. I'm going to show up more at being consistent. I am going to get a health coach. I am going to treat myself as if I am an addict and take a "one day at a time" perspective. 

Even though I have abused you and neglected you for the past 15-20 years, you have rarely let me down. You are strong and resilient. You are the shape of a beautiful goddess under all that extra fat. As the massage therapists always tell me, your muscles have strong muscle memory even though you have lost your exercise habit. I know that you are very flexible but are just a bit rusty due to underuse. You have a strong sense of intuition and send me signs that are rarely wrong. You have managed to learn how to navigate panic attacks and rarely have them anymore. Your nervous system is more regulated than it was a few years ago. You never cease to amaze me that you have not given me more problems although I have drug you through the mud all these years.

Now it is finally time for me to be there for you as much as you have been there for me all of these years. I am going to get it right this time. You and I have a long way to go because I am about to turn 46 and I want to treat you better in the second half of my life. I am going to make you proud. I am going to bring you peace. I am going to love you more.

Love, 

Me

A Day at a Time

Here I am again, year after year, month after month, day after day, minute after minute back in the same place I have been stuck for at least over a decade. I fell off the wagon again. 

I was doing so well during the stay at home phase of covid because I walked often at the park or on my treadmill at home. I was having a hard time losing weight but at least I was keeping active. Then I had to go back to the office in May 2021 and all my exercise ended. I have barely exercised in over 7 months and I make very poor food choices. For two months I did walk a lot in a temporary job where I was placed but I ate so poorly that I didn't lose much weight. 

I'm pretty sure that I am currently over 300 pounds. At one point I was 311. I'm not even weighing myself again until I get my exercise back up and running again. I am SO PHYSICALLY UNCOMFORTABLE in my body. Yet, I still can't seem to get my shit together in this area.

But the good news is that I am here blogging again, ready to address the issue...again. And I am here to try to hold myself accountable. Ironic that I joined the A-Z challenge where you blog about topics for a month and right after the first post about accountability I fell off the wagon. Typical.

I do feel a deep sense of shame because I can't seem to get this right. I can't seem to make myself and my health a priority but I sure can go above and beyond for work or for people who don't even value me that much. 

This time I am not going to make any promises about getting it right this time. I am just here, in the moment, back at blogging about my weight loss and trying to get back on track. I will just take it a day at a time.